|
|
| So how do human beings build self esteem? How do we as therapists build self esteem in our
clients? Though there are probably as many ways to approach this question as there are therapists, I would like to focus on two that I think are very important: validation and self appreciation. Validation is simply affirming that which are the strengths of the client. It can be a mirroring
technique in that the client, in the course of a session, may find a way to slip in a statement about something which they are proud of or they feel good about. I believe that it is the therapist's
responsibility to not just let this slip on by, but to note when this happens and seize the opportunity to notice, mirror, and perhaps even elaborate on the success back to the client. The client feels
heard. The therapeutic relationship is strengthened and self esteem begins to build.
The therapist can validate the client's strengths in any number of ways. We all have strengths,
even the most hurt of us. It is my contention that healing comes out of affirming these strengths in our clients. I think that difficulties arise in the therapeutic alliance when the therapist only sees the
client's weaknesses. It is important to be honest when we decide to validate our clients. If we are dishonest, our client
will immediately sense it. We must sometimes be very clever in looking at a life full of problems and drama to see a person's strengths. This is like a muscle that can be strengthened with exercise. The
more you do it, the better you will get at it. I have a working assumption that helps me in this practice and it is that no matter how
dysfunctional the person sitting across from me seems, there is underneath all the hurt and confusion, a human being who is completely in tact just waiting for the chance to come out. In choosing to
relate to my clients in this way, I have difficulty in thinking about them in terms of diagnostic categories. This, I believe, is a great benefit to them. I see them grab hold of the lifeline that I hold
out for them, and climb out. The second technique I mention above is self-appreciation. It is not always possible to receive
the validation we crave from the people in our lives. I have found it helpful to teach my clients how they can validate themselves. In doing this, I have learned that what I am doing is more of a "giving
permission" than it is a "how to". There are just so many messages we receive in our lives about not saying good things about ourselves. If you have the honor of spending time with teenagers, you've
heard them talk about someone who is "so high on herself". We use to talk about people who we thought were "conceited" . Being self-effacing is considered much more polite and is highly
sanctioned in our culture. But I believe we are paying a high price for this modest politeness. There clearly is an epidemic of people feeling bad about themselves often to the point of hating themselves,
of feeling generally disappointed in who they are, and then spending all kinds of time and money trying to escape from the reality of how bad they feel through drugs, alcohol, sex, clothes, food, cosmetic
surgery, computer love affairs etc. etc. It can be confusing because many parents do make a point of mirroring and validating their young
children when they accomplish things or are good, but either there comes a point when parents are conditioned to stop doing this, or they begin to focus more on what their child needs to do better or
differently as they take their place in the institutions of our society, i.e. school, church, etc. There's a strong message in our culture that communicates to the parents that the child's behavior reflects on
the quality of the parenting. This creates a great deal of impetus for parents to focus on the negative more than the positive in their raising of their children. Parents are not to blame in this. They are
simply passing down that which was done to them. It is a worthy experiment to have a client who feels really bad about themselves spend just five
minutes telling you what they appreciate about themselves. It can be anything about how they look, how they relate to others, why they are lovable, what they do well, etc. You will see how very
difficult an exercise this can be. I have found many clients who can't think of one good thing to say. It is a sad statement. What I believe has happened is that they have internalized all the negative
messages they have received in the lives, and sadly believe all that is true about them. The ray of hope is that I have also noticed that given a very safe, supportive and encouraging
environment, a client will begin to think of something. And with it can come a kind of acknowledgment and a relief that deep down inside they've always known that they are good,
creative, loving, etc. etc. This experience, this contradiction to how they usually feel about themselves can bring such a release of energy, that they may be moved to tears. To be able to own
their essential goodness out loud, maybe for the first time ever is a lovely thing to witness. And again, it is like a muscle that can be strengthened with continued practice.
I may ask my clients to begin to notice their negative self-talk and then to reach down deeper to look for how that is perhaps not even really true about them. I may have them look for ways to
(truthfully) contradict the negative statement in as many ways as possible. For instance, the negative self talk may say "I am not a loving person". I want them to look for the real evidence to the
contrary. "When was even one time when you behaved in a loving way?" Often negative self messages go back to very early developmental stages. I might ask "What is your earliest memory of
wanting to be close to someone?" This can often lead to a memory of being rebuffed as a child, which may have lead to the child internalizing the message that they must not be lovable, and further, a
decision to not love. The realization of the connection between how they were hurt back then and how they've internalized that hurt in the present can be a powerful step towards healing . |
|
|
Group
Works